The first thing you need to know is that nothing happened. I mean, of course things happened, but nothing bad happened – come on, babe, you know me. There were five of us, five or six. And because of the smoke and the booze – you know I can’t handle my booze – I can’t recall, it was dark and hazy and I was drunk. There was a football game on the tv and I could see the lights flickering on their faces. Harsha and Arun and Rajan – or maybe Rajan left by then – and Sahil and some others. People were coming and going. Harsha got a call – I remember he smiled, he said yeah man bring her here. Arun said we need more glasses. Rajan threw away an empty chips packet.
Do you really want me to go on, I was so out of it, babe, I don’t even remember. Okay. I remember the bottles, we were in the hall and sitting on the floor and the bottles in the middle. And the flickering lights from the tv. And Harsha said yeah bring her here. And the bedroom – I could see it from where I was sitting – I could see the mattress on the floor, the sheet on it, Harsha’s books piled all around – the door had been open and then it was shut. The cup with the stubs and ash, a laptop, a backpack.
Okay the door was shut because they were in there, he brought her like Harsha said. Pranav and – I don’t know her name. Yeah of course I know it now, but I didn’t then. He introduced her but I didn’t catch it. She was wearing a dress. She smelled of perfume and liquor.
And the door was shut because they were in there. It was late by then, Rajan was asleep or he left, I don’t remember what Sahil was doing. I remember Harsha, he was looking at the door. He had a glass, he kept drinking and looking at the door. And someone said lucky bastard. No not me. That’s it – that’s all I remember till the morning.
If he said that, he’s lying. I never said bastard.
I saw the door open and close. Pranav was sitting with us. I remember the mattress, someone lying on it, covered in a sheet. Just a glimpse. I’m not even sure whether I saw it or I’m imagining it. But Pranav was there, he was sitting with us and he had a glass in his hand.
We were watching football. People were coming and going. Sahil was smoking in the balcony and Ashish went to the toilet. Harsha was there, he and Rajan were mixing drinks. Holding the bottles by their necks. Passing glasses from one hand to the other.
Someone offered to take one for her but Pranav said she was out. No, I don’t know if he meant asleep or passed out. I didn’t ask. Could have been either.
Harsha said something. He was smirking. I don’t want to tell you, it’s too crude. Arun and Sahil laughed. No not me, I was too out of it. I don’t remember if I said anything. Pranav laughed, I remember that.
I was in the hall, babe, I never left the hall.
And then he was asleep – Pranav. Or passed out. I don’t remember.
I don’t know, babe, people were coming and going. I don’t remember. I remember the door opened and closed. And the girl under the sheet, one foot out, uncovered. Her toes curled, then flexed. Her leg was bare. But maybe I remember wrong.
It’s all a jumble, babe, I’m trying to remember but it’s hard. People were in and out, and I was so drunk, I’m sorry I was so drunk.
And Harsha – I think he was there. Not all the time, but he was there. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. The door opened and then closed. I don’t know who opened it. Pranav was sleeping in the hall. I saw her through the doorway, her bare leg, then the door closed and I don’t remember.
Yes I did get up, I got up to go to the bathroom. I held the doorframe because I nearly fell. I remember a thigh – bare, on the floor. A dress in the corner. That’s all I remember babe. I was so out.
If she’s saying that, she’s lying. No – okay, no, I’m not calling her a liar. I’m just saying she might not remember. It wasn’t me. Plus she was with Pranav. I would never do that. Maybe her memory is all messed up just like mine, maybe she can’t remember either, I’m sorry but I was so drunk and so out of it and babe, I love you.
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Vasudha Katju teaches gender studies and academic writing at the Kautilya School of Public Policy, Gitam University. She has a PhD in sociology from Jawaharlal Nehru University. Her writing has appeared in Firstpost, Cafe Dissensus, n+1, The Indian Express, and Ladies Finger, amongst others.